The Day I was Dying
The day of my miraculous healing, I almost died. I did not realize it at the time, but I do now. I have shared that I am just now starting to understand the gravity of my situation and make sense of what happened that day.
Many people didn’t realize how sick I was. Me included.
I had been sick for nearly a year and half towards the very end. Days before, I had gone to a leadership event on mindfulness and literally could not make it up the stairs when I got home. My husband had to help carry me because I couldn’t get my body to move. It was just like a limp rag doll. I knew something was terribly wrong, but I had experienced excruciating awful spells before, so I had just attributed my condition to that.
However, as the days passed, I was still not able to use my muscles and was confined to bed. I was terribly discouraged because I was seeking healing and had been dealing with the roller coaster of chronic illness for so long. I was also reticent to share grim details of my experience because I found very little comfort in doing such. Mostly I experienced terror from the individuals on the other side, which I understand, because these types of illnesses are fucking terrifying. Like a leper, no one wants to get close, for fear of catching what you got.
The toll of living in such an unhealthy, depleted state had taken its toll on my frail frame. My body was telling me that it was the end. Even if I couldn’t recognize it at the time.
Moments leading up to my healing (or near death – do semantics really matter when you survived the depths of hell and came back a motherfucking victor?).
I felt my body fading. It was like my muscles were disintegrating, I couldn’t swallow, or talk. I was afraid. So afraid.
I had my phone lying next to my bed and knew I needed to reach out to someone. I tried to call my husband to tell him that I thought we needed to get to the hospital. I couldn’t though. I didn’t have the strength or muscle function to even pick up my phone to dial (or even speak).
My life. Changed. Forever.
Something miraculous, mystical happened in that moment, that I can’t explain (*yet). As I was lying there, I heard a voice enter my mind that asked, “What can doctors do for you that God cannot?” Immediately, I said a short prayer, and my muscles instantaneously came back. I was amazed. The voice then told me, “You are healed. Now walk in the truth of who you are.”
And so that’s what I’ve been doing. Finding the courage to tell the gritty truth of what it means to trade your soul for approval, acceptance, belonging and then realize that is the fastest train to the worst fucking death trap you can imagine. No person, institution, religion, family, or tribe is worth selling your soul for their pithy stamp of approval. When the divine has declared you a “CHILD OF GOD” from the beginning, that is not up for DEBATE.
So, after that moment of healing, I immediately got out of bed. Got dressed and went and voice recorded the whole thing. Mostly because I was really freaked out.
When my husband got home from work, he was incredulous, skeptical and hesitantly delighted. He was shocked to see me out of bed, and just stared in awe at the transformation.
This also happened to be the day before my birthday. My devotion that day from, A Course In Miracles read, “this is your redemption, your Eastertide.” My how those words ring so true today. I didn’t even understand the parallel of the death symbolism at the time. Wow…what a gift.
After that day, I continued to have access to that voice or power which I attribute to God. Every day I worked with that Wisdom to shed all the bullshit beliefs of shame, guilt and fear that I had carried like a pack mule for years. I literally felt huge shockwaves of energy leave my body and each time that happened, I became physically stronger.
Within a week, I went for a jog. (What?)
Often when we go through a traumatic experience, we enter a state of shock. I believe that I am now exiting that state and trying to make sense of what happened. But like most of these events, they are nearly ineffable, almost entirely impossible to articulate or put words around.
Because I was so isolated during the entire time, nobody (myself included) really can understand the severity of these types of mystery illnesses. So, it’s difficult when people see me now because I don’t think they can really understand the level of sickness of where I was 4 months ago, and where I am today. Mostly, because the healing was miraculous and my physicality returned almost instantly. Hopefully, this paints the picture of the juxtaposition of the before and after.
Since then, I have also been trying to read every book I can on healing and consciousness, so I can translate into words what happened. Recently, I had coffee with a friend and he asked, “How did you heal and shed these illusions?” I really couldn’t his question.
I am diligently seeking though to find a way to put my experience and wisdom into words.
Last week I felt guided to go to a specific eatery (Living Kitchen) and sat at the counter while I was reading. While I was drinking my smoothie, the store manager came up to me and asked what book I had in hand.
Quite literally, this new-found power took over, and started explaining to him the work of Dr. David Hawkins (seriously, read every word this brilliant man ever wrote down). I told him that even though I looked fantastic, not long ago, I had been disabled and miraculously healed and recovered.
Without missing a beat he declared, “Yeah, you’re like Einstein. He couldn’t put into words his theories when he first discovered them. He had to figure out a way to explain it to people. That’s you.”
I knew I was supposed to receive this wisdom in some way. Even though, I am not suggesting to be the likes of the genius of Einstein. However, at some point, you also realize what Einstein realized, and that it’s Genius (with a capital G). You’re ego doesn’t get credit for that. It’s something bigger than us.
And so that holy word was received, awaiting its full revelation. Last night, I had a significant dream where I felt like I was being told to “open up to my future being revealed to me.” After my prayer and meditation time, I was told to go open a book I was reading and directed to a specific passage in a much later section of the book.
No fucking way.
I ran downstairs in excitement to wake up my sleepy husband who was napping on the couch.
The same book I was reading last week at Living Kitchen (which is Power vs. Force on pages 217-218) reads:
“In an illuminated moment, Albert Einstein had the revolutionary insight that then took him years to translate into provable mathematics. Indeed one of the main problems of genius is how to transform that which is perceived in one’s private understanding into a visible expression that is comprehensibleto others. The revelation itself is usually complete and self-explanatory to the person who receives it, but to make it so to others may take a lifetime.”
And if you have a hard time believing this story, go find Julio at the SouthPark location of Living Kitchen in Charlotte, NC and ask him about the blond woman reading the black and white book about thoughts and beliefs who he signed up for the rewards club. And also tell him, “Brooke says thank you”.
After reading that paragraph to my husband, something about the collective gravity of what we have experienced together hit us like a ton of bricks. Recognizing the grief and seriousness of what happened shook us to our core. We cried for a long time. And then said now how are we to be responsible with the gift of life and wisdom to heal and give back to others.
So that is my promise and commitment to you and God. He gave me my life back to serve the world with my experience that will eventually become knowledge on how to heal. I have no formal pedigrees, and I’m not interested in religion or dogma. I’m just a woman who went into the wilderness, and came out a different person.
And so like the One who came before me and said, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the brokenhearted. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free, and that the time of the Lord’s favor has come.”
That is my message. My purpose. My mission.
I will find the words to describe what happened the day I almost died, and then share with a very sick world on how to heal.